I don't know where I have to put it but here. Perhaps it's not really something that belongs here, but on the other side, I have no clue were to post it else.
I just need to get this of my chest somehow.
Perhaps some of you will remember this piece I made, a couple of months ago, when summer started.
It happend just after finals and I had gotten my grades, which were bad. It was the start of a summer of studying and trying to get everything in order
untill the end of august/begin of september untill second chances came around and I could try to get a better grade.
That time had come and go by know and the results of those exams have come in as well. And again, they are bad.
At this point, I just don't know it anymore. To understand it all, you must know that most people in my country start higher education (bachelor or master studies) after leaving secundairy school (at is is called here, don't know about elsewhere) when they are around 18 or 19 years old.
Due to some poor choises I made when I was 18 and the fact that I was just sick of school, I didn't start then. Instead, I waited. I waited untill I was 24. By that age, you can already cmplete a 5-year master program like engineering studies. But not me. I then started only to go back to school. That wa 1 year ago.
I must say, I didn't regret the decision to go back to school. First of all, I am actually nothing with my secundairy school diploma, since I didn't learn a profession. Second, I really enjoyed that year at school. Met a lot of people, had fun. It was actually fun to go back. Something I never really had know that school could be. The years in secundairy school had been a constant pestering and bullying for me (one of the main reasons I didn't wanted to go back when I turned 18).
But yeah, now that my results came in and they are bad, again, I just don't know it anymore. I knew when I started last september that I would have to pass almost instantly for each course, if I didn't want to be in school untill I turned 30 or something (the study I am taken is one of 3 years, a bachelor). But since I have bad grades, the only option seems to be to retake my year and try to do better this time.
But I wonder, if I can't do it the first time like I has to, and not even the second time, what difference would a third time make? It's not like I didn't try. I already knew from the past that I had to work hard to pass classes and get good grades. And even then I wondered if I had reached my limits of what I was capable of (last year of secundairy school was a really close one, I just pulled through). For some reason, I have the feeling I just reached my limits of what I can don.
Yet, I liked going back, learning things. For some reason, I have no problem with that. It's just the exams and passing them that seems to be the problem, no matter what I try. I really have the feeling that I'm just not smart enough for all of it. I said so much to my parents today, just like it would be just better to quit it all and go working. My father says that we could always talk about it again, but I really doubt that it will help anything. What could possibly be said on this point that could help? It's not like it will help my brain to remember things better or make me a master programmer over night (yes, the study was applied Informatics).
So, I guess this is goodbye education, goodbye school and goodbye to all the nice people I have met there.
Please don't expect any happy art from me shortly. I'm down. I feel like I'm broken and that I wasted a year on something to end with no results.
I'm sorry about this, I just need it off my chest.